Dating has always been a problematic part of my life. I feel like guys can’t always look past my appearance and see who I truly am.
This has made it hard for me to trust guys in my relationships.
The main reason why I don’t trust the guys I want to date, though, is that I’ve had some “relationship fails” on my part. In both of my past relationships, I made the same mistakes, but those bad judgments broke my trust.
One of the mistakes I made in my first relationship was that I was too naïve.
I was so young that I couldn’t understand what being in a relationship truly meant. After all, I was only 13 years old at the time. The relationship started out fine, but he eventually cheated on me with my ex-best friend. When I asked him why he cheated on me, he said, “Well, it’s simple. You’re in a wheelchair,” and naturally, I couldn’t handle it.
By the time I entered my second relationship, I was 16 years old.
I flew into the relationship right after breaking up with the first young man I was with. I was excited to have a new guy in my life who (I thought) saw me for who I am, but he cheated on me for the same reason as the boy in the last relationship did.
Now that I’ve been in a relationship for almost five years, I mostly feel secure and complete, but I still have the same trust issues I had as a teenager. Although my boyfriend uses a wheelchair like I do, I worry that he will leave me for a woman who could help with his everyday needs. So, in this case, the emotions are reversed, but I’m still afraid that I can’t trust my boyfriend.
I fear that one day my boyfriend will say, “I’m leaving because you have limits on what you can do for me, and I’m just not in love with you anymore because of your boundaries.”
The honest reason why I don’t trust guys in relationships is that I worry that they could do “better,” even though I am good enough. I mainly feel this way because of my past experiences with young men rejecting me and leaving me heartbroken. My guard is always up because of my deepest, darkest fear: developing feelings for a young man who eventually decides that dating someone like me is way too much for him to handle.
I don’t trust guys in my relationships because they usually haven’t been able to see me for who I truly am, and they have left me feeling like I will never be enough for them.
I hope that someday, I will be able to open up my heart to a guy who loves me for me.